Sacked By Spuds
Rachel Walker has got a broken heart. But she’ll get over it.
We’d been having problems for a while, but like most relationships I thought we could work things out, smooth out the bumps and settle down to begin our “happily ever after” story.
It’s hard. I truly thought that I had found “the one”, you know.
And it’s not as if either one of us lost the heat for one another, or thought that the grass looked greener on the other side; it’s just more that even though we tried for so long, eventually we couldn’t be together. Love isn’t meant to hurt this much.
The news was delivered to me ever so graciously by my health practitioner: Me and Spud the stud had to permanently go our own ways. That’s right, my beloved potato, the flame to my beacon, the king to my throne, the fresh basil to my sunkissed tomato sauce and I were over, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
You see, I crave potato in all its flattering & non-flattering angles like a crazy thing: French fries, potato chips, fritters, mashed, deep fried, sauteed, boiled, you name it, I’d have it. And I thought that I could get away with it. Or rather, that my intolerant gut (bless) could handle it. But unfortunately, in this case potato is not on the side of “intolerance” but rather hanging out with the cool kids and their Grease Lightning hairdos in “allergies”. Yes, there most definitely is a difference, as confusing as it may be.
Food intolerance can cause similar reactions to that of an allergy, and quite often come on gradually, and generally doesn’t involve your immune system starting a war without you. You might even be able to get away with sneakily eating a little bit of the intruder without any hiccups at all.
But allergies? Well, more often than not they do cause an immune system reaction in different variations, with the most serious being life threatening. Thankfully me and potato aren’t woefully gazing at one another over the barbed wire on that scale, but rather in the category of “I will come for your stomach. And I will hurt you. More than any of your exes have (Yes you, wheat, dairy, pulses, you!). I will also have the power to make your throat feel like you’ve swallowed a cup of concrete.”
But the good news is that if you’re reading this then you most probably like vegetables a lot and the interwebs is full of crazy, delicious, unimaginable food combinations that can make you forget that previous heart breaker in an instant.
Some may call it fast, but I’ve already moved on and even managed an upgrade in the process. It’s hasta la vista potato and ‘hello, wink wink nudge nudge’ to its nightshade relative, kumara. Down to earth, naturally sweet and dependable, I’ve hit the jackpot. Perhaps the old adage is true: bad boys are only around for a good time, not a long time. RACHEL WALKER