Happy Valentines, Stinker!

mqdefaultI MAY LIVE to regret going public with a subject that is deeply personal, and incredibly intimate, but there are some facts about vegetarian lives that seldom get talked about, despite their pertinence.
The thing is, any vegetarian whose partner is a meat eater knows it, even if they happen to be in denial due to being love-struck: carnivores stink.
There, I’ve said it. And I’m sure that should any carcass devourers be reading this, they’ll arm themselves with quick and easy retorts about plant eaters and garlic aromas. And sure, garlic breath can be pungent, but in my experience, it never actually makes you feel ill, because it’s not the stench of death.
Too strong? I’m not being judgmental, honest. It’s just that the meat on the bones of an animal starts decomposing at the moment of death, and when it’s in the digestive system of a human, it takes its good time, and keeps rotting while it slowly passes through.
lady-gaga-meat-dressMeat eaters are prone to constipation because the substance takes so long to break down in the human digestive system. No wonder that the stench of it seeps through the skin, and can be smelt on the breath, not to mention the long-lasting pong it makes when the waste matter is finally extracted.
True love may travel on a gravel road, as Elvis Presley once sang, but there are few relationships that can handle the strain (so to speak) of a vegetarian putting up with the stink of a dedicated meat eater.
And we haven’t even gotten into bed yet! Kissing a meat eater on the mouth might be okay if they’ve just popped a fresh mint, or haven’t recently burped up an aromatic reminder of that prime steak, but watching your partner greedily devour animal flesh is about as romantic as getting slapped with a week-old flounder.
And we still haven’t gotten into bed yet. Well, I’m a discrete individual, so I won’t name names or get too detailed, but intimacy means intimacy, and once the clothes are off and two people are doing what nature told them to, then perhaps desire overwhelms distaste. Perhaps. But if you’re serious about vegetarianism, and the thought of being anywhere near dead animal makes you want to barf, then making love with someone who has recently eaten carcass is unthinkable. Kissing, of course, is already a nightmare of bacteria-swapping, but you can be sure that with any deep French-tonguing that some minute particles of that night’s awful offal will make it from one mouth to the other. And what about the act of pleasuring one another ‘down there’? I don’t know what the men’s parts of meat eaters smell like, because I’m heterosexual, but meat eating women, I can reveal, are whiffy.
DSC_8464Okay, so body parts do smell, because there are natural excretions, some of which seem intent on repelling and attracting in almost even measure. But the naughty bits of vegetarian women, in my experience, if they are whiffy, they’re whiffy in a good way. By contrast, meat eating women do not smell at all pleasant. Not at all.
I know it’s a touchy subject (ha-ha), but when you get right down to it (ha-ha-ha), this could be the very reason that so many people give up on vegetarianism. It’s the “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” philosophy. If she smells bad, then we might as well both smell bad together, and in some weird way, de-sensitise our olfactory senses to the degree that we don’t notice anymore; my stinkiness will cancel your stinkiness out.
In that sometimes (seemingly) elusive search for love, it can be tempting to fall for someone whose ethics are in opposition to your own, and I’m certainly guilty of that several times in my life.
Trickily, many vegetarians and vegans make their dietary change after they’re in enmeshed in a serious relationship, or married: a recipe for ongoing torment. If they can handle that, fine, but I couldn’t do it.
Now, who wants to write a blog about how, as a vegan, vegetarians stink to high heaven?

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